Ep. 16: Set Boundaries and End People Pleasing with Chris

In this coaching episode, Chris comes to the call with a question about overeating, especially in social situations. She finds herself feeling out of control with desserts, and also wonders how to STOP eating when there is food left on her plate because she doesn't want to waste it. She often ends up feeling overly full and guilty afterwards.

The “Clean Your Plate Club,” as Melissa calls it, is very common especially among generations who had parents that were raised in the Depression. Chris also shares that her mother was always monitoring her food, which often left her feeling deprived and wanting more. 

As Melissa dives in to discover more about Chris’ life,  she discloses her past experiences with dieting and her weight. She has been a long time dieter and felt successful at it at one time, but since the pandemic, she has put on a lot of weight and hates how she feels in her clothes. She is very attached to numbers on the scale and what they mean in terms of her self-worth. 

Chris also shares that she suffers from anxiety and stress that are a conglomerate of her past and present life experiences. As Melissa inquires more about this, we learn that Chris has a very hard time setting boundaries and is also a huge people pleaser, which creates even more stress in her life and leads her to eat to soothe herself. 

Many of Chris’ behaviors are linked to a fear of not being a good person, so Melissa gives Chris some powerful strategies to help her shift this way of thinking, as well as manage her anxiety through boundary setting so that she can engage in the things she loves to do for herself without guilt. 

If you've ever had a hard time setting boundaries, or felt anxious and stressed out because you have a deeper fear that people won’t like you, and you tend to turn to food or some other outlet to soothe yourself, then be sure to listen to the entire podcast so you can learn some powerful tactics to support your own well-being.

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Transcript

Melissa Costello 0:05

Well, hello there, friends and welcome back or welcome if this is your first time tuning in to come home. So this last weekend, I had a little birthday gathering with one of my closest friends, her and I both celebrate Virgo, birthdays. And we often celebrate together every year, which is so lovely. We had a little birthday gathering this weekend at my home, which is actually the first time I've had a group of women in my home since the pandemic. And I have to say it was so lovely. You know, community and connection are two of my biggest life values. And this last year, I didn't have much of that in my life. And it was really hard. And. I missed it and I missed regular connection with my girlfriends. Before the pandemic, I would host at least monthly, whether it was a book club or all of us getting together and doing a creative art project. Or just making body scrubs together. I always loved bringing the girls together just to hang out and do something fun. So it was really beautiful to have my girlfriends inside my home. There were only about eight of us, so it was on the small side. And we got to really connect and everyone went around the room and shared a personal update about their lives. Since we all haven't seen each other in a while. And then each person shared an acknowledgement of me and my girlfriend, Alison whose birthday. It also was. And what they were grateful for about us. And it was so touching and heartwarming and there were a lot of tears shed. And I just love this kind of thing because to me. Not only is connection and community. One of my life values, but authenticity and vulnerability are both part of my life values as well. And to be in a room with eight women who are willing to share so authentically and be vulnerable and share tears among us is just. it's rare. It's a rarity and I feel so blessed to have. Women in my life that. Can show up that way. And that I can show up that way for them. So as the evening went on and everyone left my friend, Alison and I were just reflecting as we sat on the couch and we were talking about living a sober life and what that means. And we were just talking about why we're both sober. I stopped drinking many, many years ago. And it wasn't because I had a problem, even though my genetic say, I should have a problem, but it was because. When I started to do my deeper healing work and become more awake, I didn't want. Anything to take that away and alcohol. Was a number for me. And so was overeating and sugar and food. And although the food thing took quite a bit longer for me, I was able to quit drinking very easily. And. It changed my life when I did that, because it kept me awake to myself. It kept me awake to my emotions and it kept me awake to living an aligned life. Health is another one of my top values. And to me, drinking alcohol never felt healthy. It always felt like it was affecting me negatively, mentally, emotionally, and physically. So I share all this with you to say that you don't need to be sober. That's not what I'm saying. But the reason why I'm sharing it is because I think that. As we go on a personal growth journey and we start to. Awaken to ourselves and we have an intention to end our suffering. A lot of the habits and behaviors that we've engaged with. We'll sometimes easily fall away and other times. We will want to work on them falling way. And that's really the basis of the work that I do with all of my clients and inside my whole hearted woman membership, which is opening up. In the beginning of November for brand new members. I have founding members that are starting in October, but I'm opening up. For brand new members to come in and I will be sharing more about that with you on the podcast as we go along over this next month. Also, if you want to learn more about that, you can get on the wait list by clicking the link in the show notes. And just get on the wait list so that you can have some information about that when it's available. So let's jump into today's episode today. I'm coaching. Chris. Chris comes to the episode with a question about overeating. And as we go through the episode, what we uncover is a real challenge with her own value and worth and how she handles that. A lot of that is done through people pleasing and lack of boundary setting. Chris often makes herself the victim in her life. And then she uses food to make herself feel better. She is suffering underneath the surface. She's got a lot of. Programmed. Behavior and beliefs around food. That she grew up with her parents were. Raised in the depression. So there was a lot of. Baggage around food deprivation, all of that, her mother monitoring her eating. And so she grew up with that belief, but then she also dieted for a lot of her life. And she is in a place where she's put on weight through the pandemic. She feels like she overeats a lot, especially in social situations. And. As we really dug into this. We kind of got to a place where we realized that the overeating is really not the issue, as you all have all heard from me. Listening to. My trainings, my podcast, any of that? We all know that our issues with food are really not about food. There's always something else that's driving those issues. So in this episode, Chris and I identify quite a few areas in her life. Where she is not standing for herself. And that. Really eats away at her self esteem. She's scared of not being liked. She scared of not being a good person. And so I give her. Incredible tools and strategies to start to work on. Building up. Her own feeling of value and worth in the world. I know you're going to get a ton of value out of this episode, even if you don't struggle with eating issues. There's so much value here in terms of what we talk about around setting boundaries. Believing in our own worth and asking for what we need. And letting go of people pleasing. So let's dive into the episode with Chris. Hi, Chris. What's your question today.

Chris Manry 7:11

Hi, Melissa. My question is about how do I allow myself to throw out food instead of feeling like I have to eat everything on my plate or finished leftovers in the fridge. Which it's not, Paying off for me. It's helping me gain even more weight instead of, eating mindfully and then just tossing what's left.

Melissa Costello 7:34

So when you have food on your plate Do you get a sense of when you're full and satisfied when you eat.

Chris Manry 7:40

Yes, if I'm very mindful.

Melissa Costello 7:42

So if you're paying attention in your present, you get a sense of that.

Chris Manry 7:46

Yes.

Melissa Costello 7:47

So what goes through your mind with food left on your plate? when you know you're full yet, there's still food there and you eat it. Just kind of tell me your thought process.

Chris Manry 7:57

oh, I could just have one or two more bites and then I won't waste as much food. or I really, really need to eat this food, or lunch tomorrow. I can save it in the fridge for lunch tomorrow. Tomorrow I take that plus more, sometimes too much. I take too much for serving. I feel like I have to eat, finish.

Melissa Costello 8:18

what did you learn as a child growing up about wasting food.

Chris Manry 8:22

that it was bad. And then I finish everything on my plate

Melissa Costello 8:26

Yeah. So this is what I call the clean your plate club. This is something that's very common, especially with people who grew up with parents who went through the depression, In my generation, it was there starving children in Africa. So it's like eat everything on your plate. So what I've come to learn through doing this work is that, would you rather put the food in the garbage can or make your body the garbage can?

Chris Manry 8:51

I know. I need to tell myself that every time.

Melissa Costello 8:55

But there's something here about you over stuffing yourself. Right, because if you are satisfied or full and you still want to eat, does that Lead you to a place where you feel overly stuffed or overly full?

Chris Manry 9:11

Yes. times I do feel overly full and then I say, oh, shoot. You know, and kick myself again, which I don't want to do that either. My mother used to watch everybody eat and, you know, she monitor everything. I had to bring my baggies home and she washed them. You know, the things I hadn't, my lunch, tape the bags, we reused everything. she had a horrible time during the great depression.

Melissa Costello 9:39

So this is a belief system that's really ingrained in you. And you're very aware. You're someone who obviously you can, practiced, mindful eating. You can understand when your body's full and when you feel satisfied and yet there's something in you, whether it's a belief about yourself or just the belief that we shouldn't waste food that is driving your behavior.

Chris Manry 9:59

Yes. it's ingrain So somehow I need to work on that to change it.

Melissa Costello 10:05

since you brought that up, What, do you think would help you work on that? What's one step.

Chris Manry 10:12

when I full look at the food and decide whether it's going into my body, the trash can, or the trash can next to the, countertop.

Melissa Costello 10:23

And, or you could put it into a container for leftovers for the next day or whatever,

Chris Manry 10:29

Yeah.

Melissa Costello 10:29

So this idea of you continuing to eat food, that's on your plate when you're not hungry and making your body the trash can. Are you someone who has dieted off and on a lot in your life?

Chris Manry 10:43

Oh, yes, most of my, from the time I was a teenager and through. When I've been so good at it until recently, recently, I just don't want. To do it anymore. I'm just tired of it.

Melissa Costello 10:57

You mean you're tired of depriving and starving yourself?

Chris Manry 10:59

Yes. And I I'm heavier than I've ever been in my entire life because last year during COVID I just said what the heck and kept eating.

Melissa Costello 11:08

so one thing that I've, Learned about, and this is something that I've dealt with most of my life too, is that women who are on diets, are really out of touch with their bodies. And also they put themselves into the cycle of deprivation basically the pendulum swing of like deprivation to then over. Indulgence. And when you say I was really good at dieting, I have a hard time believing that because it's never fun to diet and yes, people can have short term success with dieting, but it's not something that you can ever really get good at because it's not sustainable. It's not something that you can continue in your lifetime and feel good about.

Chris Manry 11:53

I've done it of maintained my weight over a year before. but then something happens or what not. I stayed way underweight 110 for me is way under weight until I became pregnant with my son back in the day. And then, afterwards I made 115 after, right after he was born, which that's pretty good. I was 30 at the time. anyways, I, I just thought about that 115 is good, but my father had told me when he came and visited that I was just way too skinny. My bones were sticking out. So I thought, well, maybe I, better leave it at 120 and try to maintain there. And I did pretty good off and on. But

Melissa Costello 12:39

what does that mean? how did you do pretty good off and on.

Chris Manry 12:43

I could maintain that weight up and down between a hundred and twenty, a hundred twenty five. just depriving myself with desserts. Or if I ate desserts, skip a meal or something. I would skip lunch alot. often, I was low in energy. I don't like being low on the energy, so yeah, there's drawbacks. And then sometimes I take my medication and I didn't need it at the time. And that, uh, it would help me drop weight and that's not good either.

Melissa Costello 13:15

What is being thin mean to you?

Chris Manry 13:17

Feeling good in my clothes and looking good in my clothes.

Melissa Costello 13:20

And what about finding clothes that fit you now that you can feel good and look good. Because you're not 30 anymore.

Chris Manry 13:28

I know, and I'm thinner than most women, my age. I realized that even higher than that, but the top I have on how I'm looking at it going, this is the worst top I could've worn. I think I need to put a decide because it clings too much. I mean, to wear things that are a little fuller and they don't show the flap,

Melissa Costello 13:52

Well, one thing that I can support you in and offer you is buy clothes that fit your body now, because all you have is right now, and you're going to be wearing clothes every day in the body you have right now. Right. And until your body changes, if it wants to, then you can find clothes that will. Work with when it changes. But there's no reason for us to try to squeeze ourselves into clothes that don't fit and don't feel good. Cause then it's just a constant reminder of how we don't feel good in our bodies.

Chris Manry 14:27

That's true. That's true. That's top definitely does that. And I have a lot of tops that are great. That look great on me. Cause I don't really gain a lot of weight on the top of me, a little bit, but not a lot. And uh, it's my stomach now that I'm a little older and my hips that I gained weight in.

Melissa Costello 14:49

And what do you say about your body right now?

Chris Manry 14:52

Yuck I don't like it.

Melissa Costello 14:55

When was the last time you did like it?

Chris Manry 14:57

Probably before COVID and then I wasn't at the way that I wanted it to be. but I was still, looked good in my clothes,

Melissa Costello 15:06

those clothes fit you, then they, those clothes obviously don't fit you anymore. Right.

Chris Manry 15:10

Right.

Melissa Costello 15:10

So yeah. So that's why one of the reasons why you feel like you don't look good in your clothes cause you're a different weight,

Chris Manry 15:15

right? I gained about 15 more pounds above that.

Melissa Costello 15:19

so one thing that I'm hearing is there's a lot of stress on weight, a number.

Chris Manry 15:27

Right.

Melissa Costello 15:27

I wasn't at my goal weight, but I still felt good in clothes. I was one 15, then I was one 20. Then I tried to maintain that. And right. So there's a lot of stress around these numbers and what that means.

Chris Manry 15:42

Well, now it's 1 30, 1 35, and I would be perfectly happy at 1 35. I know. I know what you mean.

Melissa Costello 15:50

But the more we strive for a number there's always going to be a lower one that we think is better. And then oftentimes what I see is that when we're there, we still want to go to some lower number or some lower number or some lower number. Right. Like even you said, I looked good in my clothes, but I still wasn't at my, the way I want it to be at

Chris Manry 16:08

Yeah. now I'm not quite that way. When I was a younger, that's how I got down to 110, but not now. Now I just be happy bouncing between 1 35 on one 40 and I would be just happy as can be.

Melissa Costello 16:24

You think you'll be happy? Right, but you don't really know that

Chris Manry 16:29

that's true. Cause I'm not there

Melissa Costello 16:32

because what is it really about for you? Like what is, what are those numbers represent?

Chris Manry 16:38

Self-image I guess.

Melissa Costello 16:40

and what do you really want? Cause you said I hate not having energy. So, so something that you want is energy.

Chris Manry 16:47

Now That's true. I don't really have enough energy. I have trouble sleeping sometimes at night if I have any anxiety whatsoever.

Melissa Costello 16:55

so you have anxiety, you don't have energy. what else is it about for you in your body today? Like what do you desire for yourself around your body today?

Chris Manry 17:05

I'd like to have less stress. I would like to feel good about. Having the energy to do things and what to do. and do them every day. like my crafts and, exercise.

Melissa Costello 17:18

And what type of stress do you have in your life right now?

Chris Manry 17:22

My husband wanted me to do this and that. And the other thing,

Melissa Costello 17:27

can you be a little more specific than that? And the other thing

Chris Manry 17:32

I've got to call on different things. My son wants to go on a vacation with me. My daughter-in-law mainly, and my grandson for his birthday, and they want me to come to California for that. And that's fine, but trying to find a hotel by the beach this time of year. Oh, come on. They should have thought about that a lot sooner.

Melissa Costello 17:55

it sounds like to me, there's a huge lack of boundaries here.

Chris Manry 17:59

Yeah.

Melissa Costello 17:59

And that possibly you're a people pleaser.

Chris Manry 18:03

Oh, I'm definitely a people pleaser. Definitely.

Melissa Costello 18:07

So self created stress through lack of boundaries.

Chris Manry 18:10

Yeah.

Melissa Costello 18:11

so tell me more about why your husband needs you to do those things. Is he able to contribute and help?

Chris Manry 18:19

Yes. I need to go out and do something outdoors. I forget what it was. And I looked at him and I said, no, that's your job. You do the outdoor stuff. You want me to do all this stuff in here? You want me to go in and take care of all these things then? No. And you're telling me exactly how to do everything. You do it yourself. You don't have it, do it.

Melissa Costello 18:43

Why do you think he asks you to do all those?

Chris Manry 18:46

Because he knows he can get me to do it.

Melissa Costello 18:49

Again, lack of boundaries, right?

Chris Manry 18:51

Yeah. And I don't like to make anybody angry. I'm wanting to get my stepson out of the house. He's 45. He doesn't need to live with this forever. He's lived with us for two years through COVID and stuff almost two years. And, uh, it's time. It's just time for him to move on. plus he's an alcoholic and he's been having some issues with that. and I don't want anybody in my house that's drinking excessively. I don't like how people act when they're like that,

Melissa Costello 19:21

tell me about this. You said I don't like people to get angry at me. Tell me more about that.

Chris Manry 19:27

Oh, I just, I don't like confrontation. I don't look like, you know him to get mad and stomp off and say, well I'm then it's not just going to get done and all this stuff, which he does, which I'm used to it, but still, I just don't like to face it.

Melissa Costello 19:46

You don't like it because you make it mean. What about you.

Chris Manry 19:51

I'm not capable, maybe. I'm not capable of handling everything.

Melissa Costello 19:55

If someone gets angry at you, how does that feel?

Chris Manry 19:59

It feels bad. my ex-husband was very abusive and I put up with that and the only way I made it through without a lot of physical, bruises and things was to just go with everything he said for the most part and keep him happy.

Melissa Costello 20:20

today's episode is sponsored by the food freedom guide. If you're someone who has been stuck in yo-yo dieting world, and you're sick and tired of restricting your food, counting calories and feeling deprived to lose weight, the food freedom guide will give you all the answers. You need to take your power back from food, lose weight in a sustainable way and end emotional eating. Go to my website@karmaciao.com. Click on the red button and get your copy today. So you were in a physically emotionally, and it sounds like possibly physically abusive relationships.

Chris Manry 20:59

Mostly emotionally.

Melissa Costello 21:00

So you basically gave away a lot of yourself to not get into conflict with this person.

Chris Manry 21:07

Yes. I have tendency to do that with my children. I have a tendency to do that with my husband now 27 years, but still it's just, he likes to control me.

Melissa Costello 21:19

He likes to control you?

Chris Manry 21:21

Yeah. He likes to tell me to do things and expect me to do them.

Melissa Costello 21:26

It makes sense if you've never been able to set a boundary.

Chris Manry 21:30

Yeah.

Melissa Costello 21:30

So you've set up that dynamic, right? That dynamics in place. and now you have an alcoholic steps on living with you, And you don't like conflict. And so you're basically just kind of allowing these people to step over your boundaries or.

Chris Manry 21:47

Yes.

Melissa Costello 21:47

A lack of boundaries.

Chris Manry 21:49

Right? I've got the granddaughter here too. Who's now living with us because she doesn't, uh, is her mother remarried the second time and she's just, I don't know, she had it out with her mother, but she's going on vacation with her mother and her new husband. So that's a good thing.

Melissa Costello 22:06

how do these people end up in your home? Cause I hear you go, oh, now the granddaughter's with me. And how does she end up there?

Chris Manry 22:15

Because I offered to take her in, not my husband, me. Cause I said, you know, maybe she could come live with us for awhile, you know

Melissa Costello 22:24

here's the thing. Chris, you're making decisions and then you're making yourself a victim of those decisions.

Chris Manry 22:30

That's true

Melissa Costello 22:31

because A you're not setting boundaries B you're letting people walk all over you C you're inviting, allowing people into your home and then complaining about it when you're actually the person who made the Decision.

Chris Manry 22:44

That's true because I made this decision about having him come live with us.

Melissa Costello 22:48

you can make a decision about them not living with you as well.

Chris Manry 22:53

Yes. I told him a month. but by the end of the month. He says he can't get out at the end of that month. So I'll give him a one more month and then that's it.

Melissa Costello 23:02

if you give him a month and he says, I can't get out by the end of the month and you give him another month and he says, I can't get out by the end of the month, what's going to happen.

Chris Manry 23:08

Oh boy, I have to put my foot down and find him a place and get him out.

Melissa Costello 23:12

You're going to find him a place.

Chris Manry 23:14

I know.

Melissa Costello 23:16

So Chris, how do you ever expect to be healthy in your life? Get enough sleep, not have anxiety. If you cannot set boundaries

Chris Manry 23:24

You're right.

Melissa Costello 23:25

It's not about me being right. I'm asking. Right? Because these things in your life are a lot of why you're doing what you're doing with food. And also because of the diet programming, what you learned growing up, all that stuff. And it's clear that you on some level, well, don't respect yourself because you're abusing your body with food. And then you're allowing people to abuse you because you don't have boundaries.

Chris Manry 23:50

Yes.

Melissa Costello 23:51

why do you think you deserve abuse?

Chris Manry 23:53

I don't know. Maybe I don't feel that I'm a good person or good enough. Maybe I feel because of religion that I need to serve, serve, serve, serve, serve. I don't know. But you have to be able to say no once in a while, sometimes that's very hard to me.

Melissa Costello 24:08

It's hard for you because why. Is it harder to say no or harder to live the way you're living.

Chris Manry 24:14

It's harder to live the way I'm living. So I need to learn how to say no. I need to learn how to respect myself.

Melissa Costello 24:22

What would it look like on a daily basis for you to respect yourself?

Chris Manry 24:27

it would go about doing, I would put a priority list together and do those things and, uh, make sure I have time programmed in for my crafts, which gives me my sense of release and, time to do whatever I want to do to exercise.

Melissa Costello 24:47

And it's funny, the first thing you said was put a list of priorities together, which is kind of funny instead of respecting myself through my arts and crafts and moving my body. Cause those things are the things that are going to nurture you so that you can be productive when you do put that list of tasks together or the list of priorities together.

Chris Manry 25:07

So they should come first in the day.

Melissa Costello 25:09

What do you think?

Chris Manry 25:10

Well, I, I guess so, but sometimes that's not possible because Appointments or whatnot.

Melissa Costello 25:17

Cause there's what?

Chris Manry 25:18

Appointments I have to go to.

Melissa Costello 25:20

Okay. Can you schedule appointments around yourself care?

Chris Manry 25:24

Yeah, I can.

Melissa Costello 25:25

are you employed? Do you work? Are you retired?

Chris Manry 25:28

No, I'm retired. I had my nails done today. I'm really, I love my slow breakfast. In fact, I've a t-shirt with a sloth on it that says slow in the mornings,

Melissa Costello 25:41

Great. So maybe, body movement in the morning is not, the most realistic and there's other kinds of self-care that can be slow.

Chris Manry 25:50

That's true. Well, low at my crafts is, you know, I'm just a slow person. I've always been that way. My mother was very slow. She had multiple sclerosis she couldn't not be slow.

Melissa Costello 26:03

So there's nothing wrong with being a slow person and ultimately what this is about is you finding a way to respect yourself through your own care for your body, your own care for your mental and emotional and spiritual wellbeing and learning how to set boundaries with your family.

Chris Manry 26:21

Yes.

Melissa Costello 26:22

and my sense is when your husband asks you to do stuff, it's gotten to the place where now you get angry and you say, no, you do it.

Chris Manry 26:29

Yeah, that's true. And that's not great for a relationship,

Melissa Costello 26:33

Okay. So let's talk about the areas that you feel like are the most important that you need to set boundaries around the things that are sucking energy from you that are causing you stress. Let's talk about those specific areas. And then, so you can walk away today with an understanding of what you need to do to support yourself,

Chris Manry 26:54

schedule a time. For my self care.

Melissa Costello 26:57

Are you asking or are you stating,

Chris Manry 26:59

I guess I'm stating schedule a time, for my self-care as a number one priority.

Melissa Costello 27:05

And your self-care looks like, what is it, your crafts? Is it, are there other things that you do, you mentioned religion.

Chris Manry 27:14

Read my scriptures, first thing in the morning. And I pray first thing in the morning while eating my breakfast or before eating my breakfast, obviously I don't pray while I'm eating my breakfast but before, I have a meditation that I read and ponder, and then I have my scriptures, I read and ponder.

Melissa Costello 27:32

What other types of self care did you want to include?

Chris Manry 27:36

my crafts main down there to work on those. Cause they're piled up. That's good. It's frustrating too. But I would like to do my craft of choice for the day and, do some kind of exercise for self-care, which I've I've got tapes I can watch and do, especially since it's still hot right now. Um, elliptical, I got elliptical downstairs I could use.

Melissa Costello 28:02

so what's going to be different now versus prior to this call, that's going to support you in doing these things,

Chris Manry 28:10

determination that I will do it, and I will stop doing weeding. I'm going to tell my husband that, you know, you're doing the outside stuff. You do the weeding, and if the neighbor doesn't like it, then the neighbor can deal with you. And I won't feel responsible for it anymore.

Melissa Costello 28:29

Setting those boundaries with your husband is going to be important. I'm just wondering if you haven't been able to get yourself to move your body and you haven't been able to get yourself to take care of yourself. Why all of a sudden, that's just going to be different just because you say i'm determined,

Chris Manry 28:43

assigned, gonna take baby steps in that direction.

Melissa Costello 28:46

I like that. here's another thing that I would offer your self-talk has to change, because my sense is you are extremely hard on yourself. based on some things you've said during this call, you also make yourself the victim of a lot of scenarios.

Chris Manry 29:05

Yes.

Melissa Costello 29:06

So we need to talk about what your self talk is like, because that's going to be more in the moment where you make shifts in the moment around what's happening inside your head, because here's the thing, the way we relate to the issue is the issue. The way you're relating to your husband is your issue. The way you're relating to your stepson. Is your issue. You have no boundaries and you're relating to them in a victim way versus in empowered way.

Chris Manry 29:38

That's true.

Melissa Costello 29:39

So how would a woman who's empowered who takes care of herself and respects herself? How would she relate to these people in her life?

Chris Manry 29:48

Uh, I would sit down with them. I like my stepson. I would sit down with him and say, look, you really need to be out on your own, you know, you don't need to live with us forever. So one month, two months, and then that's it.

Melissa Costello 30:03

what I hear in that is you're making him wrong for being where he is. You've said nothing about what you need. You've put it all on him.

Chris Manry 30:12

All right. And that's probably not the best.

Melissa Costello 30:15

he's going to feel wrong. He's going to feel possibly attacked versus you stating what you need and why.

Chris Manry 30:25

okay. The I statement, I remember those, I feel that you're living with us and. Not wanting to help out around the house. And, just the fact that you're 45 you know, and I feel like it's a drain on me having you live here any longer. Oh, I would appreciate it. Or I need to have you find a place to live by the end of July.

Melissa Costello 30:53

So here's what I would encourage. I like that direction. You're going. I also, believe that when we communicate with people, it's important that we acknowledge them and then we understand where they are.

Chris Manry 31:06

Right.

Melissa Costello 31:06

And so you could go into the conversation saying something like that. You know, I know that you've, you've been in a tough situation and we've been here to help you through that. And now what I need is for you to basically find your way to move on by the end of July, because it's becoming stressful on me and you know, something like that, where you're acknowledging him and his hardship and you're setting a boundary around what you need and why. And we've been more than generous. We've allowed you to stay here. I wouldn't say anything about his alcoholism or about any of that. That's going to cause a lot of defense to come up.

Chris Manry 31:49

yeah, he does do that

Melissa Costello 31:51

Alright because he's 45 and I would say nothing about his age either. So what I would encourage is I understand it's been hard for you. we opened up our hearts. We opened up our place. now there's an expiration date here. And the expiration date is the end of July. I'm giving you extra time because you needed it and that's our hard stop.

Chris Manry 32:12

Okay.

Melissa Costello 32:13

Because, you know, I want my home back. I feel stressed out. I feel like I need space. And just say what you need

Chris Manry 32:23

and need space. That's very good. Not Cause I do, that's it, you know, we're going to have a bunch of family coming for a week in July from St. George, we live in Utah anyways from St. Georgia from up here. You know, they, they like to come and the kids left the pool and blah, blah, blah. You know, cause we're. A community that has a community pool. So, you know, the kids can go swimming. They want to go to the zoo too, but I don't know why the heat's been running here. it's a hundred degrees today, but, Anyways. Uh, it's usually in the nineties or eighties this time of year, but it's up to 100.

Melissa Costello 33:03

none of that's relevant to what you need to do for yourself. Right? That's that's all this story right now.

Chris Manry 33:10

I just want a place where, when people come to visit, they have a place to stay. you know, so that's both bedrooms downstairs and the bedroom upstairs. When the granddaughter leaves, but she already knows. I told her, I set a boundary with her when she came in. I said, if your grandma comes to visit, she will, I'm her step, grandma. if your blood grandma comes to live here, grandma Jan, she needs to have that bedroom. Cause she can't go up and down the stairs very well. She's a very heavy woman. So, you know, she said, oh yeah, I'll sleep on the floor. No problem or whatever. So sleeping bag

Melissa Costello 33:48

so regardless of all of that, that's good setting boundaries. And I really want you to, you know, for the sake of what you're here for today.

Chris Manry 33:58

Yes.

Melissa Costello 33:59

A lot of this work is really going to be around your mindset and your self-talk. Right. And so when you start to rattle around in, you know, all the stories around what everyone else is doing to you. That's when you get to say, wait a minute, Chris, what's really happening here. What am I telling myself? And where do I need to set a boundary to honor and respect my needs?

Chris Manry 34:25

That's good because I do have a victim mentality. I really do.

Melissa Costello 34:30

and, you know, We could go much deeper into that and we don't have the time to do that today. And that stems from some really old wounding I'm guessing. And you and I do, we work together and so obviously that's some work we're going to do through our coaching. And, you know, a lot of that stuff is going to need some deeper healing in order for these other things to change. And you can still work on changing things today in the present. and your one job is to remember that you have value every time you go into victim mode, it's like, wait a minute. I have value. I get to ask for what I need and I get to set boundaries

Chris Manry 35:11

have value and my needs are important.

Melissa Costello 35:14

Yeah. And I get to set boundaries because if you don't, everyone's going to continue doing what they do. People who get the most angry about setting boundaries are the ones that always step over them So there might be a little discomfort. The other thing I want you to do is listen to Glennon Doyle podcast on boundaries. It's called. We can do hard things. That's the name of her podcast. I think I mentioned this maybe in our coaching call, but you, you need to listen to that episode around boundaries.

Chris Manry 35:45

We can do hard things and who's said by?

Melissa Costello 35:49

Glennon Doyle, she wrote the book, untamed. That's a really good book. Okay.

Chris Manry 35:54

Glenn and Doyle,

Melissa Costello 35:56

Glennon, G L E N N O N.

Chris Manry 35:59

Okay. G L, E N N O and Doyle D O Y L E

Melissa Costello 36:06

So take a listen to that episode. There's a lot of really great information in there around setting boundaries. She shares some stories around her parents and setting boundaries with them and all of that. And how important boundaries are to our own wellbeing. And Chris not much is going to change until you start to get really uncomfortable and do these things for yourself. You have to remember me first, me first, me first.

Chris Manry 36:35

Even though that seems selfish but okay.

Melissa Costello 36:38

So then you put yourself in victim mentality there as well. Yeah, can't ask for what I need. It seems selfish. And then if I do right, like there's all that kind of spiraling around and then you get mad at other people because they're oh, that they're taking over and they're doing this and they're asking me to do that. So what's it gonna take for you to be able to stand for yourself? What do you need to believe about yourself in order to stand for yourself?

Chris Manry 37:03

That I'm a good person.

Melissa Costello 37:05

And is there any evidence otherwise?

Chris Manry 37:08

No.

Melissa Costello 37:08

So what I want you to do, here's one assignment. That's a little bit bigger than a baby step. I want you to get out your journal sometime tonight or tomorrow and write out everything. That's good about you. I'm a good person because. and here's the thing. We don't need to have reasons why we're a good person. We just are. I just want you to write that list out.

Chris Manry 37:30

Okay. Why I'm a good person. Okay.

Melissa Costello 37:34

I'm a good person because, and what's going to happen is your negative inner critic is going to be like, that's not true. Oh, you're, you're this you're that, whatever you say to yourself,

Chris Manry 37:44

right.

Melissa Costello 37:45

All you have to do is notice that voice. You don't have to buy into it. That's just your ego doing the thing. It always does. But you don't have to get on board. You don't have to hop on the train with that, that thought process. Does that make sense?

Chris Manry 38:00

Yes.

Melissa Costello 38:01

I hear you. I see you no thank you. Yeah.

Chris Manry 38:06

Yeah.

Melissa Costello 38:06

Is it helpful?.

Chris Manry 38:08

I, yes. So I had to recognize their feelings and then set my boundaries with them.

Melissa Costello 38:15

Yeah. And what you originally came here for was how do I stop eating the food on my plate?

Chris Manry 38:21

Yes.

Melissa Costello 38:22

Do you understand how you're going to do that?

Chris Manry 38:24

Yes, I'm going to say I'm a good person. And I feel full. I do not need that food. And if it's okay, if it goes in the trash can.

Melissa Costello 38:34

or I can eat it tomorrow. I can eat it later right. But this is more about honoring you, honoring your body. Not punishing your body.

Chris Manry 38:44

Right.

Melissa Costello 38:45

Cause when you make your body, the garbage can, you are punishing it, of course. It's not going to lose weight if you keep punishing it.

Chris Manry 38:52

That's true. one Thing for myself, because my husband won't help clean at all. He's from the old school, I have a cleaning lady that comes in once a week,

Melissa Costello 39:02

Fantastic

Chris Manry 39:04

Yes

Melissa Costello 39:05

I'm a big fan of cleaning ladies and they need, they need work. They need to be paid. And so we are doing them a service. They're doing us a service. It's a reciprocation. And it's an awesome thing because you know what scrubbing showers and toilets sucks.

Chris Manry 39:21

Yes, it does. And I was working, I hated that. So I rang a housecleaner when I get tired I gave my husband tours, which he did a lousy job and he put it off and put it off and, you know, so I thought, nah,

Melissa Costello 39:39

Well, there's plenty more good things. You just haven't been able to acknowledge them yet. And that's what that assignment's about.

Chris Manry 39:45

Okay, thank you so much

Melissa Costello 39:47

you're welcome, Chris. Thank you. I just want to say thank you so much to Chris for coming on the show today and sharing what was present for her. As you can tell, Chris had a lot more going on than what she initially came to the call with. As we dug deeper into what was really behind her need to overeat and clean her plate, we uncovered all kinds of ways that Chris doesn't honor herself. The food just became the place that she went to to sooth herself and get comfort setting boundaries for women can be hard. We're taught to be good girls or to be nice. We don't want to be seen as the bitch or God forbid selfish. So we tend to tuck our voices away at a really young age and give our power away. And that tends to make us a victim of our lives. As you heard Chris, at one point in the episode, she was a blaming her husband for quote unquote, making her help in the garden. That was a moment I had to call Chris out because she was blaming others for things that were happening in her life when she was the one responsible for not setting boundaries. And so she needed to hear that moment of tough love so that she can understand that she can take her own power back by just setting boundaries and saying what she needs. Another thing we discovered is that Chris has a huge fear of not being a good person. So that's where the people pleasing came from at a very young age. She wanted to be liked. And as she's gotten older, she's recognizing how exhausting it is to people please all the time. And it doesn't leave her space to do the things she loves. So I'm curious, do you have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Do you often say yes. When you really mean no? And do you say yes to others more than you say yes to yourself? I posted this question inside my reclaim your wild Facebook group the other day. What do you need to say no to more? And what do you need to say yes to more and mostly everybody who responded said, I need to say yes, more to myself and no more to others. So that tells you a little something. there's many fears that a lot of us have. I know I used to have these fears of not being liked of being seen as a bitch of being seen as selfish. and The craziest thing is us people pleasers. Cause I used to be one hands down 100%. We're just manipulators because people pleasing is a way we're trying to control an outcome or control a situation. So it's really manipulative and it's really inauthentic, but we learn it to keep us safe. It is a defense mechanism, but as we get older, we recognize that it doesn't really fit anymore.. So we must learn how to dismantle and shift these old core beliefs that are inside of us that don't serve us anymore. So, as I wrap up today's episode, I want you to think about where in your life. You need to start setting more boundaries or saying no more so that you can put yourself first. And I guarantee if you start doing that, all the other things that you go to to get soothing and comfort, to really soothe that misalignment or that inauthenticity, those things will start to shift. Those things will start to fall away. So I'm going to leave you with that little nugget for your thought. And until next time here's to coming home to your own heart, reclaiming your voice and living your life without apology. So I'll see you next time.