Build Consistency with Exercise in a New Way with Elana

Consistency! It’s one of those things that many of us struggle with. How do we build it, whether it’s with exercise, our eating habits, our spiritual practice, our self care? 

There are many obstacles that can stand in the way of building consistency; time, money, lack of energy, not believing we can do it….

In today’s coaching episode with Elana, you will get to hear one woman’s experience in wanting to build consistency with exercise, which is a priority to her, but she doesn’t make it happen. This leads her to feeling like a constant failure when it comes to her self care.

Elana has good intentions, and knows how important exercise is, but her “lack of time” is often a factor in not staying true to her intentions. 

What we uncover through this episode, beyond the excuses, is faulty thinking and limiting beliefs. The way Elana is relating to exercise is what is keeping her stuck, along with some core limiting beliefs around worthiness that stand in the way of her consistency.

As we dive into those beliefs and start to understand more about Elana’s thinking we uncover a pretty harsh inner critic that is always telling her she’s not doing enough, or she isn’t enough.

This seems to be consistent across the board for many people who have trouble building consistency with anything in their lives. Beyond the excuses lies the core reasons we don’t stay consistent and that is how Elana and I shift her approach to building consistency.

Here are my 3 Keys for Building Consistency

• Pick something Simple and Aligned: I’m going to move my body in a way that feels good each day, or I’m going to add more greens into my diet. Often we will pick things that we think we "should" be doing, versus what we really want to do.
• Start Small: start with 10 minutes and then add from there, or add in two green salads per week.
• Let go of HIGH Expectations and Big Promises: don't make a huge promise or expect that you are going to be perfect with whatever you are building consistency with. Allow yourself to be HUMAN and know it will never be perfect. Focus on each day, and celebrate what you DO do, instead of focusing on what you didn’t do.

RESOURCES:

Equine Partnered Coaching Experiences: https://karmachow.com/equine-partnered-coaching/

Tired of struggling with food and your weight? Download my Food Freedom Guide HERE and take your power back from food today!

If you want to get some free coaching around a specific issue or challenge you are facing, be a guest on my show and let’s work it out together and help you Come Home to what truly matters; book a session here.

Find Melissa on her social media platforms:

Instagram: @melcostellocoach
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/groups/2004687
Youtube: www.youtube.com/user/karmachow
Website: www.karmachow.com

Transcript

Melissa Costella: 0:09

Hello. Welcome back. I'm so happy you decided to tune in again. Yay. You're here. So, thank you so much first off. And you know, I have to say when I first started this podcast, I wanted it to be a place where listeners just like you could come to know they're not alone in their world with their struggles. It's one of the reasons why I love doing the coaching sessions, which is what this episode is today, because I get so much feedback from all of you inside my community. That even though the person being coached may not have the exact same struggles that you relate on so many levels. So thank you all for that feedback. I'm so glad that y'all are receiving value because that is what I truly intended by bringing come home alive into the podcast world. Okay, by the way, y'all I have some super exciting news. Many of you may know that I am a huge lover of horses and that I spend a lot of time with them volunteering. I also have been working on my equine facilitated learning certification, which is working with horses on the ground. To support. Humans in healing emotionally, mentally, physically. But it's, more psychological work. It's more emotional work. It's really grounded in insight and getting reconnected to ourselves. And it's just such powerful work. So in addition to the spiritual psychology certification I have in the coaching certifications, I have, I wanted to add this in because it's been a dream of mine. To bring the powerful coaching work I do with women in the arena with horses as our partner, and it's all happening. I just found a private ranch. We'll I'll be conducting small women's groups. Private sessions and sessions for couples as well. With some beautiful horses that I'm so excited about and I'm in Santa Barbara. So if anyone wants to come to this beautiful place and have a session with me, or have an experience with me, please reach out to me, click the link in the show notes. There's a. A link to my equine experience, coaching page. Because here's the thing being outside, being in nature with horses, even if you're scared of horses, this work is really safe. There's no riding involved. The horses are at Liberty untapped, so they are not under any kind of control. And it's very safe because you get to kind of move wherever you need to, to support yourself. And over the years, what I've really learned is that horses truly are a healing elixir for the soul horse. Medicine is real. And horses have helped me so much in these last 22 months. Of this pandemic to support me with my anxiety and the panic that I've experienced. And it's really kicked up in these last 22 months. So. If you have any desire or you feel like, gosh, that would be such an incredible experience. Please make sure you check out my equine coaching page. That's linked up in the show notes. I'm also going to be hosting a retreat or two in 2022. And I truly hope that you'll join me and I will be announcing that in the new year. So onto today's episode. But Before I go there. I just want to say. That this dream of mine has been a long time coming. And I want to say that sometimes. Our dreams. Take a long time. They don't happen fast. And I think a lot of us. When we have dreams, we have high expectations of them happening quickly. And then we get frustrated and we let go of our dreams or life happens. And then we just don't ever put time into our dreams. And I've had this idea for a years. And I've been feeling. This call to work with horses for years. I'm pretty slow at making certain things happen. There's some things in my life that I can make happen really quickly. And other things that take more time. In my human design. I don't know if you know about human design, it's very intricate, but I had a reading by a very close friend of mine. I am a feeler. I am someone who actually should not make any decisions based on my mind, but more on my gut and my emotion. And so that's why I think for me it takes longer. For things to come to fruition because if I'm not feeling it, if it doesn't feel aligned, I don't take action on it. And when I do. Feel aligned or when things start to show up, I pay attention to that. And that's how all of this came about what the horse, because I got a hit to contact someone and I reached out to them and it all just started to come together. But it's been years in the making. And that's why I started to volunteer with horses years ago, because. I knew that was a step in the direction of my dreams. So. Our dreams. We need to plant the seeds and water them. That's how things grow. And some of our plants or trees that we are nurturing and seeds we're nurturing will take longer than others to grow. And that's okay. And I think that as humans, we want things so quickly. We want weight loss fast. We want our career to happen fast. We want our business to grow fast. We want things to happen fast. And often the timing of the universe is not, it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. And I think that everything works out in the quote unquote perfect timing. And that we have to focus on. What's in the here and now and how we can stay connected to our dreams and water and nurture those seeds that we plant down. So it's here. I've been wanting to do this for a long time, and now the opportunity is here. So I hope that you will. I get to come to Santa Barbara, which is such an incredibly beautiful place with amazing weather year round. Even if you don't live here, it's such a destination And experience the impact and healing power of horses with me. So make sure you check out my equine coaching page in the show notes. Now we're moving onto the episode with Elana. So this episode is all about building consistency with exercise in a new way. Now here's the thing. This doesn't have to be only about exercise. This can be about building consistency with anything in your life. So if you're like, eh, got the exercise thing down, I encourage you to stay tuned in because the truth is there are things that stand in the way of our consistency. No matter what it is. And that's what we focus on identifying today with Alana. Whether we have excuses, like lack of time or motivation or feeling like you're not doing enough. So you just don't do it at all. I know that what you will understand from today's session is that consistency can't be built. If you have a faulty mindset around the thing. You're trying to build, So if you're trying to be consistent with exercise and you have a faulty mindset around it, It's never going to work. So for Elana the way she has been relating to herself with regards to exercise is what has been stopping her. Yes, she has some excuses we all have, but we identify some core things that are actually standing in the way for her. And I think you're actually going to be pretty surprised to hear what they are. So. I know that there's many things in this episode that you're going to be able to apply to your own life. Especially in the areas where you may get stalled or get stuck when it comes to consistency. Whether it's exercise, eating, doing your gratitude, practice, your spiritual practice, whatever it is. Make sure you stay tuned in all the way to the end, because I actually give my top four keys to building consistency in your life. And. It's pretty simple. But not easy. So let's head on over to hear my chat with Elana and make sure you stay tuned to the ad through the outro as well. Welcome Alana. What's your question today?

Elana Cherry: 8:51

Hi. my question is, is about consistency, specifically about, exercise. So this is something that I keep saying is so important to me, so important to me, and it really is actually, and it's been a few years that I keep saying it's so important to me. And, I've tried to figure out all different. Permutations of making it work in my schedule. And the only way, or the way that kind of works best is if it's in the morning before I start work from home. even then, I'm really not consistent with it. I make a plan and I really struggled to keep to it. and then I, I kind of break myself as the day goes on. and even when I do do it. Then I break myself because it was only like a 15 minute slow stretch yoga as opposed to like some muscle building or something.

Melissa Costella: 9:37

So when you say you make a plan, what does that look like?

Elana Cherry: 9:42

So my current plan is, I have it in my calendar, for seven. So that is my plan that I exercise at seven. and it just doesn't always work, for a host of reasons.

Melissa Costella: 9:54

Okay. What are those reasons?

Elana Cherry: 9:55

so I wake up at six, I'll start with that, and I really, I have a hard time waking up. So I'll usually hit snooze a little bit and then go downstairs and have a coffee. And I can sit there with a coffee, you know, for half an hours of the day, it could be longer. but I really try. That's why I marked it in my calendar, you know, seven o'clock come upstairs and do exercise, so I, I find that even after that first coffee, like I'm really very often I'm not fully awake yet. sometimes I do it anyways. I just do it in my pajamas. Some yoga. other days I'd really like to shower first, cause that really gets me more awake, but then this is so stupid, but then I'm like, well, after I shower, I kind of want to dress up and put makeup on and whatever I don't put on yoga clothes. so anyway, so I really struggle with that and it's so dumb, but it's true. Sometimes I have to make the kids' lunches in the morning. And if I haven't started right at seven or if I, you know, time just slipped, I find time slips for me. And then at seven 30 and shoot, I haven't made their lunches yet. or I'll just do the, the exercise then. And then I have to rush to get ready, shower and ready for work. So I just, not consistent. with it.

Melissa Costella: 11:07

and then when you say exercise, does that land with you? Does the word exercise feel empowering or does it feel exhausting?

Elana Cherry: 11:19

oh my God, what a good question. So it used to feel empowering. I used to love exercise and, I used to be really strong

Melissa Costella: 11:28

How long ago was that?

Elana Cherry: 11:30

Well, realistically at this point, probably eight, nine years ago, I used to consistently go to the gym at lunchtime at work. And that was great. And then I went into management and so lunchtime was harder, but mornings and after school didn't really work evenings don't really work. and then working from home, my workload has increased, so I actually have more hours to work but, you know, so it just expanded. so going back to your question, it's been on my mind, like I've been trying to have like an action plan and what are the pieces of my life that I need to improve and that kind of journey in the last, whatever, six years or so. And I keep coming back to exercise as being a very prominent part of my life that needs, I would like to look better. I would like to feel stronger. I would like to look stronger. and also as I'm getting older, like different parts of my body are hurting a little and now from sitting so much, I find my, what's it called? anyways. Yeah. hip flexors. like, there there, they hurt.

Melissa Costella: 12:29

yeah, because they are in a very, not contracted, but like bent position all day long when they're supposed to be elongated. Right. So they're in, maybe it is a contractive position. So exercise for you is about feeling stronger, looking better, looking stronger. And supporting your body from hurting, right. Is that what I heard?

Elana Cherry: 12:53

Yeah.

Melissa Costella: 12:54

Okay. Is there anything else that exercise that you feel about exercise that I should know?

Elana Cherry: 13:01

Yeah, it feels like kind of the last piece of the pie, like, you know, on the, like the wheel wheel of wellness type thing. So it feels like the piece that I'm not doing.

Melissa Costella: 13:11

So I'm wondering if your relationship to exercise. It obviously has changed in the last, you know, since eight or nine years ago, And your life has changed. You you're working more, you're in management, there's other things in your life that are a priority as well. So I'm wondering if you know, there, there's a reason why you aren't doing it. We want to get to that. And I'm also wondering if the way you're relating to exercise doesn't work for you currently. And if there's a different way, we can relate to it. Because my sense is that you're putting the same amount of pressure on yourself from the past. Like you're looking at the past and what you used to do, and you're putting that kind of pressure on yourself for today. Is that accurate?

Elana Cherry: 13:56

Yeah. So it isn't, it isn't, but you're very right. And so when I say to myself, Okay. slow down here. Let's just look at three or four times a week, 15 minutes. That's all you need, you know, so good enough. Right. I don't need to have those biceps or whatever, if I can just keep my mobility, et cetera, and do 15 minutes of yoga or whatever. But really after I do that, or later in the week like, it just doesn't feel like enough.

Melissa Costella: 14:24

Okay, based on what information.

Elana Cherry: 14:26

well, I don't feel stronger

Melissa Costella: 14:28

And tell me about your expectation around that. I should feel stronger because I do what

Elana Cherry: 14:33

cause I exercise

Melissa Costella: 14:34

exercise, how much, how consistently.

Elana Cherry: 14:38

Well in lots of literature that I read, it talks about 15, 20 minutes a day being good enough.

Melissa Costella: 14:44

And what's the longest amount of time that you've ever been consistent with it.

Elana Cherry: 14:47

No, I can consistently do, let's say three times a week, 15 minutes. Like that's not, I can definitely do that. And when the weather is next, I go for walks. And so I'm consistently doing three to four times a week of either walking or yoga.

Melissa Costella: 15:01

So if you want to feel stronger, do you feel like walking in yoga are enough for that? Just I'm just asking. So what would you consider exercise or movement that makes you stronger in your mind?

Elana Cherry: 15:16

weights, I hate, high intensity, but, Any kind of strength and he's kind of strength training. body or with weights or any of those ones?

Melissa Costella: 15:24

And it doesn't sound like you're doing any of those things.

Elana Cherry: 15:26

No. So sometimes even a few weeks ago, I'm like, okay, let's swap out my morning, yoga with, you know, the 15 minute, Strength training and there's awesome videos. And some mornings I have the energy and I even did it a couple of times. And then other mornings I'm just not awake enough yet. Like that's too much for me.

Melissa Costella: 15:43

Do you feel like you start to wake up once you start to move.

Elana Cherry: 15:47

yeah.

Melissa Costella: 15:48

Cause sometimes it might just be doing it feeling tired. And then as you do it more, you wake up. Do you know what I mean? Like sometimes it might just be doing it anyway.

Elana Cherry: 15:58

Okay.

Melissa Costella: 15:58

Right. that's one approach. That's a approach. And, I'm wondering, you know, outside of all the excuses, right time kids lunches, all of the that. What is it that really stopped you outside of all of those things.

Elana Cherry: 16:12

Yeah. So it's often that I don't feel like it. So it's like a very. Instinctual. I don't know, lazy, see whatever, like, Ugh, I don't feel like it. and other things take priority, you know, I'd rather make the lunches or I'd rather start work early or I'd rather put makeup on or, you know, so, I D prioritize it,

Melissa Costella: 16:33

So let's just try this on. What if you just let go of it altogether?

Elana Cherry: 16:38

let go of exercise.

Melissa Costella: 16:39

yeah. Let's just not even make it a thing. let's not even make it a thing that you need to put on your calendar and do every day.

Elana Cherry: 16:44

Okay.

Melissa Costella: 16:45

How's that feel?

Elana Cherry: 16:46

I've done that before. I probably did that for the better part of the last two years.

Melissa Costella: 16:51

And how'd that feel?

Elana Cherry: 16:53

my hip flexors were hurting. I got all wobbly, not wobbly, but whatever floppy. I think then what happens is I'm okay with it. When I tell myself that's okay, because I prioritize doing work or whatever else. but then again, when these wellness things cross my desk, or when I think about how Do I improve my life, how do I, you know, like taking a step higher. you know, I I'm faced with this image of women, you know, working and having a kid on their hip and exercising and walking their dog and having a fresh food

Melissa Costella: 17:32

you actually know a woman who does that? Like no, a woman personally, who does all that. It does not exist. That is what we are seeing in the media. Or we're seeing the highlights of social media that does not exist. There's not any one person who does it all and feels good about it. And, I think that a lot of what drives you is the external. Which you and I we've worked together before you know, we've talked about this before, Being driven by the external. You also are, you know, you're a really hard worker you like to overwork and you like to prioritize that because that gives you a sense of purpose, And you have children that you take care of. You have a family, that's a priority. Number one. I just want to say your kids should be making their own lunches. I'm sorry. They're old enough now.

Elana Cherry: 18:20

Yeah, so actually you're totally right. I'm Melissa. And they were all of last year. They were, and then it came up, this past summer because I was working so many hours and they were, and I just took on a new job. And so when I spoke to them about the new job, they're like, well, you don't have any time for us anyways and you never make our lunches and blah, blah, blah. And so kind of as, as a consequence of that conversation, I said, well, Okay. I can commit to making your lunches, whatever, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I forget what it was, but the point was I re offered it, for, I guess for my own, making myself feel better that it's okay for me to take on this bigger job. And to not pay attention to my family. And so this was my little bookmark or whatever, placeholder that I am, you know, paying attention to my kids and making their lunches because they've asked

Melissa Costella: 19:13

Is that enough or is that just you trying not to feel guilty.

Elana Cherry: 19:17

no, that's me, trying not to feel guilty for sure.

Melissa Costella: 19:19

I'm guessing they'd probably rather have time with you.

Elana Cherry: 19:22

Well this is what came up in our conversation over the summer.

Melissa Costella: 19:25

Well them saying you're not available anyway.

Elana Cherry: 19:29

yeah.

Melissa Costella: 19:29

Right. And maybe you giving them options or maybe not, but can you make our lunches? that to me, that doesn't sound like a good use of your time. If your family's a priority. on many levels, because anything we're doing out of guilt is not a good use of our time. And then another thing you said early in the call was I do this. I break myself. It's not enough. I don't do it. I break myself. So your kind of go-to is I borate myself. I like to beat myself up.

Elana Cherry: 19:56

Yeah.

Melissa Costella: 19:57

So tell me more about that.

Elana Cherry: 19:58

Well, it kind of is, we've talked so much about and read so much about you know, being enough in general. And I know that. I definitely suffer from the super woman or whatever, idealizing the superwoman image. So, and You're right, because even if I worked out, if I did the exercise every day, every morning for 15 minutes, like I said, said, it was going to do, I would still be mad at myself for not building muscle. We're not running. I see runners all the time. I'm jealous of those runners, but I hate running.

Melissa Costella: 20:31

You're jealous of them because why.

Elana Cherry: 20:33

because they get out and do it and they look awesome. Not jealous, but like in admiration.

Melissa Costella: 20:38

So not feeling enough. Is never going to be cured by exercise your body, looking a certain way. Any of those things, it's never going to be cured by that, doing it all, working over time. Never, it will never be cured. There's only one way to cure it because.

21:00

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Elana Cherry: 21:31

I'm telling myself I am enough.

Melissa Costella: 21:32

No, I wish it were that easy. The part of you. Cause there's this Elana that an adult, a parent, an incredible, professional worker, has a career and incredible career. That's what I'm trying to say and is very wise and very smart and understands how important things like eating well and exercise and taking care of yourself. And all of that is There's that part of you then? There's this wounded little part of you that lives inside of you? That is always going to say I'm not in enough and always going to feel like I'm not enough. And that part of you is going to run the show and say, oh, you got to work out more. Oh, you got to be jealous of the runner. Oh, you got to do this because your kids said it or outright that part of you, that always feels like it's not enough, is going to run the show. And that's what it's been doing for most of your life. So if there's this part of you that never believes you're enough no matter what you do, and always wants to beat you up and berate you and tell you, you didn't do enough. You didn't work enough. You didn't exercise enough, blah, blah, blah. What do you think is the solution to that? Just curious.

Elana Cherry: 22:47

Well, when I've tried to do until now is, you know, just tell myself that that's not true and just like talk myself out of it.

Melissa Costella: 22:55

If one of your children came to you and said, mommy, I feel worthless in the world. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like I'm not enough. And no one loves me. What would you say? Would you just say to her, you know what? It's okay. You're not just, just go out there and do it anyway.

Elana Cherry: 23:13

no, I would probably say it's not true. those aren't the facts. Those are feelings and they're not real, or, you know, whatever they, they are real, but they're immature feelings.

Melissa Costella: 23:26

You would tell your child that they're having immature feelings.

Elana Cherry: 23:30

maybe not,

Melissa Costella: 23:31

So just envision one of your youngest children coming to you right now and saying that and how you would interact and respond.

Elana Cherry: 23:40

so my youngest Did come with something similar and. I said, it's not at all true. I iterated all the ways in which she was so incredibly special and, you. know, and, and I offered to set up, therapy for someone to talk to.

Melissa Costella: 23:57

And did you acknowledge her feelings? Did you

Elana Cherry: 24:00

Yes.

Melissa Costella: 24:01

let her know I'm here? I hear you. I'm with you. So what can you glean from this part of the conversation?

Elana Cherry: 24:07

That I can tell myself. I hear you. I understand. You know, and then propose solutions by saying, you know, it's not true.

Melissa Costella: 24:18

so, yes. So that's part of it, Every time your inner self critic starts speaking. Those are moments where you can just take a pause, put your hand on your heart and say, you're okay. Everything's okay. I'm here. And then it, you know, if it's a quick opportunity and then if you have a bigger opportunity, the real way to heal, this is to spend time with this part of yourself and ask it what it needs. What does this part of you need? My sense is she needs someone to give her a lot of love and compassion, which you don't give yourself at all. You let yourself off the hook, but you don't feel good about it, my senses, but this part of you needs a lot of care and attention. and she also needs to know, like, I hear you and you don't get to run the show. Like you said, you offer solutions, but she really needs to be heard. She needs compassion. She needs care and love, and then she needs solution. The solution part is you. I want to be really careful with that because what I don't want is for you to, to have a, to do list or like we're going to do this tomorrow and that's it kind of thing. But my sense is if you continue to work on this part of you, this wounded, I am not enough. I'll never be enough. And all I have to do is do more, do more, do more, do more. If you start to work with this part of yourself regularly, my sense is all of the shit that's standing in the way of you bettering yourself. Right? Which is what you said. When I think about my life. And I think about myself and I just really want to better myself and take care of myself that will start to fall into place more regularly.

Elana Cherry: 26:08

Okay. So What does that actually look like?

Melissa Costella: 26:11

What do you mean? What does it look like? So do you have, if your child comes to you and is sad and says, and is hurt and wounded, do you have a plan around what that looks like?

Elana Cherry: 26:23

I know what it looks. like when you describe it like that, but I also know that when they come to me, like that, It really hurts me for days. Like I really take it on.

Melissa Costella: 26:33

You take it on because it's triggering the wounded part of you And my sense is also you take it on because there's a lot of guilt. I don't know if that's actually accurate, but I'm just throwing that out there. Maybe it's not guilt. Maybe it's something else. cause this, work really doesn't live on a plan or a timeline, but what it does live on is. Turning toward yourself consistently versus turning away from yourself, which is what you've been doing for a really long time.

Elana Cherry: 27:03

But if I go back to the beginning that I want to exercise, isn't that turning towards.

Melissa Costella: 27:10

yeah, but you don't to it

Elana Cherry: 27:11

So, therefore that means it's turning away.

Melissa Costella: 27:14

you know, when I asked you what your reasons for wanting to exercise were I mean, they're fine, but my sense is there's not enough there to keep you consistent, You're not in enough pain. For you to say, this really matters. Most people won't take action until they hit a crisis. Sadly. And that's why I'm saying if we took it away altogether and you took the pressure off yourself, would that feel okay? Or would that feel like crap? I'm not doing anything and I feel worse or would that infuse more guilt into your life?

Elana Cherry: 27:48

I don't really want to take it off because I really am trying to have more balanced. In my life. And I think it's really important. Well, first of all, physical movement is critical

Melissa Costella: 28:02

Yes. Agreed.

Elana Cherry: 28:03

levels.

Melissa Costella: 28:04

Agreed.

Elana Cherry: 28:05

and I don't want to work a hundred percent of my day. I think it's really important to carve out that time for myself. hard as it is.

Melissa Costella: 28:15

What do you think you would need to do to not make it hard? Right. You just said hard as it is. What do you think you would do to not make it hard? What would you need to believe? What would you need to do?

Elana Cherry: 28:25

Well, as I sit here with you, I say, well, just do it tomorrow morning when it goes off on my alarm, even if I'm tired, just do it anyways.

Melissa Costella: 28:32

yes, that could happen for a day or two. But what do you need to believe in order to, to build that consistency that you want? Whether it's about yourself, whether it's about exercise,

Elana Cherry: 28:44

for me. I mean, I already believe it's good for me.

Melissa Costella: 28:46

obviously that's not enough because it's not helping you do it.

Elana Cherry: 28:49

that is a priority maybe.

Melissa Costella: 28:51

Okay. Is that helping you do it?

Elana Cherry: 28:52

it? helps me, but you're Right. Not enough.

Melissa Costella: 28:54

can you see how, why I went down the path? I went down because if you work with the part of yourself that doesn't feel like it's enough, and then you start to feel more enough my sense is you're going to want to take better care of yourself, because if you're approaching things from the I'm never enough place Nothing's ever going to feel aligned nothing's ever going to feel right. Nothing's ever going to stay consistent. Does that make sense?

Elana Cherry: 29:21

Yeah. So you're saying I heal the part that feels not enough, and I start to feel like I am enough, then I'll want to take better care.

Melissa Costella: 29:31

That's usually what happens, you know, everyone's different, but that's usually what happens because the truth is we get stuck in these places because you are so willing to give to everything else outside of you. Right. And if you take 15 minutes for yourself in the morning, that's like your me time. It's not enough.

Elana Cherry: 29:54

Yeah, I know. And that's why it bothers me when I don't do it because it's like, darn. It's only 15 minutes out of 24 hours. That's ridiculous.

Melissa Costella: 30:02

So what stops you from creating space and time for yourself? that is the real question here, right? It's not even just about the exercise. It's about space and time for you in general, your self-care practices.

Elana Cherry: 30:16

well I think it's probably. work-wise, it's so important to me to prove myself constantly.

Melissa Costella: 30:23

Yeah. More of the, not enough.

Elana Cherry: 30:25

yeah. And you know, the workload that I have is like double what anyone can do in an eight hour day. And instead of just laughing it off, you know, I really try to do it all and, and get it all done.

Melissa Costella: 30:39

So why would you need to laugh it off? Instead of actually telling someone I am physically unable to do this, and it's not fair, whatever, I don't even like that word, but it's actually not, I'm not physically able to do this. I need help. that's, what someone who feels valuable in worthy asks for the person who is trying to get acknowledgement and feel worthy is going to try to be the superwoman that can do everything, but then her life gets completely out of balance. And then she makes no time for herself and then feels completely burnt out all the time.

Elana Cherry: 31:16

Yeah, I know. I really do work in a place though that everyone has that. And, anyways, yeah, I hear you.

Melissa Costella: 31:23

I know you hear me. And what are you willing to do about it?

Elana Cherry: 31:26

Well, I like the question that you post what needs to change. for me to make this happen,

Melissa Costella: 31:33

Okay. And you have an answer?

Elana Cherry: 31:39

my real answer is just do it. I understand what you're saying about going back to the feeling enough. I just don't understand what that looks like and how to make that happen, even though we talked about it and so I'm sorry.

Melissa Costella: 31:53

so you're getting in your head about it and You're wanting a to-do list around it.

Elana Cherry: 31:57

Yeah.

Melissa Costella: 31:58

And it's not something you can have a, to do list around, but what I can say to you is that each morning it would be awesome. If you spend five minutes journaling to that part of yourself or letting that part of yourself speak do it at night before you go to bed, what did I feel today? What did I notice? Came up? Did I get triggered? Were there things that did I notice myself, right? Because you know yourself and it's like, where am I pushing? Where am I out of alignment with myself? Where did I not feel like enough? And I noticed I was doing those things I always do. Where did I turn away from myself? because have to restart to bring, I know you're so aware and you've done a lot of work. And this one thing is the thing that it always comes back to. And it always comes back to it because you don't spend time on it. You know, when I was doing healing work with my inner wounding, I literally for a year straight spent time. Journaling talking to myself, getting coaching, like doing all the things to support me, healing my inner, I called it brokeness. And to me it was worth it because living life, the way I was living with so much more painful than the pain I was experiencing going through the healing process, which ultimately I came out the other side, feeling so much freer, lighter, happier, all of those things. Does that making sense?

Elana Cherry: 33:29

It is.

Melissa Costella: 33:30

have you heard of the holistic psychologist?

Elana Cherry: 33:32

I don't think so.

Melissa Costella: 33:33

She has a book called how to do the work and it focuses a lot on, inner child work, but also trauma stuff. I mean, I don't know if you've had any trauma in your life growing up. you know, we all, have trauma, especially when we're kids. and that's usually where this I'm not enoughness comes from. You know, something our parents said didn't tell us that's where this usually comes from. But my, my encouragement to you is a daily practice around connecting with the part of you that feels unworthy.

Elana Cherry: 34:05

Okay. Just by asking myself those questions in a journal.

Melissa Costella: 34:09

Yeah. And then throughout the day, can you take a minute and take a breath and put your hand on your heart? And just like, if you notice you're feeling something And just tell yourself you're okay, it's okay. Right. I'm here. We're okay. I have so many clients that do that and they say it completely changes in the moment. If they're feeling something, it just helps them feel like, oh, okay. I'm reconnected to myself.

Elana Cherry: 34:31

Okay. I can definitely do that.

Melissa Costella: 34:33

And then, in terms of the exercise piece, because that's what you came here for, and I want you to walk away, feeling like you have. Some kind of, I don't even want to say plan cause it's not about a plan. Cause you've already had the plans and the plans don't work. But some kind of shift in your mindset around exercise. Cause we know you don't want to give it up. We know that you feel better when you do it, but we also know you beat yourself up. If you don't do it enough, you beat yourself up. If you don't do it. Right. So I'm wondering if, even just the phrase, the term exercise. Maybe we need to change that. How would I like to move my body today?

Elana Cherry: 35:13

Yeah.

Melissa Costella: 35:14

What feels good for my body? What feels fun for my body? If I want to get stronger. what can I do today to support my strengths? Maybe I'll get in plank for two minutes and start there. And then from that place, you have to make a deal with yourself that when that voice comes up of like, oh, you didn't do enough that you go it's okay. That's a moment where you put your hand on your heart and you say, I hear you. And you know what? We actually did do enough. It's totally. Okay. because it's more about combating the voices and combating the excuses versus the actual thing.

Elana Cherry: 35:49

Yeah. Thank you.

Melissa Costella: 35:51

Does that feel helpful to you? Elana?

Elana Cherry: 35:53

It does. Thank you so much.

Melissa Costella: 35:55

Thank you so much for coming on. It was great to catch up with

Elana Cherry: 35:58

you. Thanks for having me.

Melissa Costella: 35:59

Yeah, of course my pleasure. All right. Take care.

Elana Cherry: 36:03

Thanks.

Melissa Costella: 36:04

Bye. I just want to say, thank you so much to Alana for joining me today and come home and for sharing your desires and struggles with me, as you can tell Elana's is a pretty powerful and busy woman. She has a large family and a lot of responsibility. She has, an important job that she's passionate about, and she has a husband, which all require her time. I don't know about you, but my mind is blown and just how she does any of it. The fact that she's still standing requires some serious applause. In my opinion, raising kids is no joke and having a full-time job and a relationship. Well, that's why we used to have villages to help us raise our families. We're not meant to do it as a single unit. Elana's overachieving compensatory strategy has been a big way that she's gotten recognition in her life, as you could tell. And it tends to get in the way of many other things that she has a desire to accomplish. Like consistency with exercise. So as you can tell through our conversation, it was clear that Elana gets joy out of her work. And yet what is the cost to her personal wellbeing and her family? So she's been making deals with her family out of guilt, and it's no longer serving her. And she's also been feeling guilty for taking time to herself, which is actually a big part of what's been keeping her stuck. So as we went through the episode and in identifying actions, Ilana can take to build consistency. We had to start with her mindset and look at how she was relating. To exercise. And a lot of it was focused on the external of looking a certain way, which it makes sense. Right. W we all want to exercise. So we look a certain way. But often that can be the big obstacle to our consistency versus focusing on what exercise does for us body, mind, and soul. Also another thing that was keeping her stuck was her belief about exercise and what she sees, quote, unquote, others out there doing. And the results. That they have and the results that she would like. Or what some experts say has confused her a bit. So she's hearing things like 15 minutes a day to build strength and that's all you need. So is she doing enough or is she not doing enough? So she feels caught between that place. And how much does she really need to do to make a difference in her health and her body? This is where our uniqueness comes in. It's so different for everyone. But I always say that when it comes to moving your body, If you don't like it, peoples humans. Don't do it. Like, why do we want to do shit? We don't like find something you do like something that you do enjoy. Otherwise, you're never going to stick to it. Okay. So here are my top keys for building consistency. First, write this down. Pick something that's easy to be consistent with. Don't pick something, you know, you will never follow through on, I'm going to lose 50 pounds. I'm going to lose 10 pounds by October 2nd, when I have to go to my sister's wedding or whatever date it is. That's impossible because you have no idea how to get from where you are now to that place. And without knowing how to get there, you're never going to be able to build consistency with anything. It's going to feel like an uphill climb. Next. Start small. If it's exercise focus on 10 minutes a day. Then add five minutes. After 10 minutes feels easy, or if you feel like you want to do more, build up from there. Start small. Next. Don't make these big ass promises to yourself. The worst thing we can do is make big promises or set high expectations. Because the truth is. Uh, those big promises, that's it. I'm going to do XYZ every single day. That doesn't help us our brains. Don't work that way. And then we have sabotage, right? The ego kicks in is like, oh, you're making some change. I'm going to make sure I sabotage you here. And one day of miss exercise turns into 10 days of missed exercise because. Shit. We went off track for one day. We screwed up. We're a failure. Perfectionistic curse of women. So, what we know is that consistency is built through small actions every single day. Pick something easy. Start small and stop making big promises to yourself. So that's my 50 cents for today. Thanks for tuning in. Make sure you go check out. My equine partnered coaching page. If you have any color desire. To come to Santa Barbara, or if you're in Santa Barbara and you want to do some sessions with me, or you want to come and do an experience with two people or four people. Please go check that out. Contact me, DM me and. I can't wait to be with you and the healing power of the horses. Plus, I have all kinds of other great programs and memberships. So go to my website, karma, child.com, check out what I'm up to. You know, I coach women around. So many different things mostly supporting midlife women in taking their power back, really learning how to trust themselves and just own their worth so that they can live a life of meaning and purpose. All right, everyone, I'll see you next time. Bye. Thank you for tuning in to come home. I love hearing from you. So please leave your comments and questions. At karma child.com/podcast. That's also the place where you can sign up to get some free coaching from me on an upcoming episode. And if you love the show, please subscribe in iTunes and leave a review and share it with your friends. You can also find all my social media handles and sign up to be a part of my community@karmachow.com. Until next time, may you come home to what truly matters in your heart?